As I was exploring Thomas, the doubter. (one of The Twelve Disciples) I began wanting a different experience of doubt and wondered how to put my experience, into words.
Then I read sound investments….
My experience of doubt has not changed relating to, it is what kills and what makes alive… I changed the question to how am I investing my doubts?
What showed up was how I have doubted myself – what I am capable of… doubt I had any impact and influence etc..
I doubted writing a posts… not wanting to express… – share with you – what I have been…
I doubted that what I had to share was worth sharing…
What I have been.??? (.. what???… ) I felt so small…
I found that funny because I remember times when people thanked me for what I have shared and people asking me for help… and offering to pay me for my time…
Looking back, I notice for the most part I was spending doubt and kept me from accepting money that was offered…
Actually, when it came to the money offered, it was not necessarily doubting myself. I was doubting that a single coaching session could be a sound investment of time for either myself with a coach or between client and myself..
It took me nearly three years to notice how I was spending doubt, limiting what I had to share by comparing myself to other that I respect…
When exploring Thomas, the doubter I began to doubt what I previously doubted really meant anything..
Thomas, the doubter – when disciplined – would deny that sickness or anything else which was not in sympathy with the consciousness to which he belonged had any power to affect him.
This quality of denial – when disciplined – protects man from receiving impressions that are not in harmony with his nature. He adopts an attitude of total indifference to all suggestions that are foreign to that which he desires to express.
Disciplined denial is not a fight or a struggle but total indifference
At that moment I felt taller… head and shoulders what previously happened… what previously happened is now data.. knowledge… education….
And Sound Investments reminded me that NOW is all I have doubted… Reminding me that if I am going to doubt make it an investment…
“every moment of time, I am either spending or I am investing.”
Spending doubt or investing doubt? Am I using doubt for love.. pleasure.
As a fun way to answer the questions I get to notice how I am doubting.. Meaning from where I doubt..
The answer is…
- Doubt that _____ will …
- Doubt that _____ won’t …
- Doubt that _____ really matters..
With Thomas, I discovered a new doubt that is not a fight or a struggle but total indifference to the situation I am experiencing..